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Writer's pictureHeidi Hawkins

Defiance & Discipline



Navigating defiance in children can be challenging, especially when working with young minds that have experienced trauma. In this blog post, we will explore the accurate definition of discipline, the reasons behind defiant behaviors in kids with trauma, and I will provide five specific strategies to reduce defiance while fostering appropriate behavior skills through connection to heal the stress response in all kids.


Defining Discipline:

Discipline is often misunderstood as punishment or a way to control a child's behavior. In reality, discipline is about teaching and guiding children to develop self-control, responsibility, and social skills. It is a proactive and positive approach aimed at shaping behavior rather than simply reacting to misbehavior.


Understanding Defiance in Kids with Trauma:

Children who have experienced trauma may exhibit defiance as a way to seek control in their lives. Defiance, in this context, is not necessarily an act of rebellion but rather an expression of the child's need for safety, predictability, and agency. These behaviors can be a defense mechanism against past experiences of unpredictability and lack of control. By gaining control, this calms the stress response due to a past that was out of their control.


Strategies to Reduce Defiant Behaviors:

1. Build Trust through Connection:

Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, especially with children who have experienced trauma. Take the time to connect with the child emotionally. Be empathetic, validate their feelings, and show them that they can trust you. Establishing a secure connection provides a sense of safety and reduces the need for defiant behaviors. Ask about their life, high five when they come in, and listen.


2. Provide Clear and Predictable Expectations:

Children, especially those with trauma, thrive in environments with clear and consistent expectations. Clearly communicate rules and expectations, ensuring they understand the consequences of their actions. Predictability helps create a stable environment, reducing the anxiety that may trigger defiant behaviors.


3. Offer Choices and Autonomy:

Empower children by offering them choices within acceptable limits. This provides them with a sense of control over their environment, reducing the need for power struggles and calming the stress response brain. By giving children opportunities to make decisions, you encourage them to develop a sense of autonomy and responsibility.


4. Use Positive Reinforcement:

Reinforce positive behaviors through specific praise. Acknowledge and celebrate even small successes, as this encourages children to repeat these behaviors. Positive reinforcement creates a positive cycle, reinforcing the connection between good behavior and positive outcomes. Avoid the use of food, as food is often a trigger.


5. Teach Emotional Regulation Skills:

Help children build emotional regulation skills by modeling appropriate behaviors and providing tools to express and manage their emotions. This can include deep breathing exercises, mindfulness activities, or teaching them to use words to express their feelings. Incorporate these activities in the morning, after play/recess, meals, and before bed. Practice every day for mastery when it is actually needed and to prevent the elevation all together. When children learn to regulate their emotions, they are less likely to resort to defiant behaviors.



The Bottom Line

Disciplining children, especially those with a history of trauma, requires a compassionate and connection-focused approach. By understanding the roots of defiant behaviors, building trust through connection, and implementing proactive strategies, parents and educators can create an environment that nurtures positive behavior while fostering a child's sense of safety and control. Remember, discipline is not about punishment but about guiding children towards healthy emotional and social development.

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